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Buffalo principles.

I want a sewing machine, really, really, really, REALLY bad. Once financial aid rolls around I'll get one and then I can quit bitching about how I really, really, really, REALLY want one bad.

Joey and I have been living in Austin for a year now and couldn't be happier. I kind of wish I could think of something that I'm unhappy about so that I can rant about it but nothing really comes to mind. That's a good thing, right? The fact that I have nothing to complain about? I'll complain about how shitty the HEB by our house is. We live super close to everything: gas, slushees, pizza, groceries, hobby lobby, movies, park, the DMV, dollar tree, beer. Anything we need is within less than a 5 minute drive, it's amazing. I love living up north even if it does take us 10 minutes to get downtown. It's so green, clean, and full of white rich people. Well anyways, the HEB right across the expressway from us sucks balls. It's like Big 8, only for white people, which makes it worse than the Big 8's in El Paso. The aisles are so awkwardly arranged that it makes stealing from there 12 times more annoying. I rather drive 5 minutes to the HEB by Nick's house than the one minute it takes me to get to the one by our place. I like to call it "Nick's HEB", it helps give me a sense of direction. If anything is within 2 miles of Nick's apartment I just like to assume that it's his.

I work at this awesome preschool, the kids drive me insane. In a good way though, in the best way possible. They get SO ridiculously happy when I get there in the mornings and it feels so good knowing that I mean the world to them. Dayana could properly pronounce my name when she first started . . . as of the last 3 weeks she's started calling me "Ms. Shmelli". I tried correcting her every time she called me "Ms. Shmelli" for a day but it didn't fix anything. The other kids haven't caught on to it yet and I'm hoping that they don't anytime soon. In August they will moving up to the Pre-K class and I'm going to miss them so damn much. Will asked me if I was going to move up with them and I told him I wasn't, but that I would still pass by their window and say hi everyday day. He started bawling and I felt like shit haha. I didn't laugh at the time, because I felt so shitty, but now it feels like it's ok to laugh. Pablo found a cigarette butt and a straw and came up to me and said, "Ms. Yaneli!! Someone has been smoking and drinking in our playground!!!" Made my fucking year hahaha.

Joel got started on my dinosaur half sleeve on Thursday! It's fucking GLORIOUS. Glorious, I say!

I'm so damn happy, that's the best way I can put it. I miss my family and some friends back home but I don't think I'll be returning anytime soon. :]

Jul. 27th, 2009

I have cottage cheese in my hair. HAD, now it's just hard.

I dedicated 40 minutes of my life yesterday to picking out the split ends in my hair. I was bored and had nothing better to do. It seems that all I do whenever I'm not with Joey is think about him. . . think about something that I can color for him. . .make him the most random shit in the world. . .or talk about him. And I catch myself too, talking about him all of the time when he's not around. I think to myself as I'm talking about him, if people are fed up with hearing me say hi name? But what can I say? He's cool. Cooler than I ever will be. He makes me happy. We got into an argument a couple of day back over this, actually. I just felt like I gave and gave and gave and gave and wasn't getting the same feedback. This has happened to me in every single relationship though, so I know it probably had nothing to do with him.
It's me.

He feels that it's not fair that whenever I drink I decide to splurt out every single thing that he does that bothers me. He's right :/. So from now on, if something is bothering me, I'm just going to write it on here. That way if he wants to read it, it won't come as a surprise when I finally do address it to him. I'm not a confrontational person, so I avoid arguing by all means. If something bothers me, I'll usually keep it to myself and tell myself in my head, "This is stupid. . . there's no reason for you to be upset over this",and I just push it to the back of my mind. It all surges back when I drink I guess. . . which isn't good.
I need to accept that not everyone is a mushy,sap like me. I need to stop expecting that from people. He loves me, he just doesn't express it the way I do so I won't take that to heart.

I'm learning a song for him on my sister's guitar. And EeeEeeEEEE!! I'm so excited >.<

I really want to buy a hedgehog this Friday. . .but I'm debating between buying it or buying him his ticket to the 49ers game in September. He wants the ticket much more than I want the hedgehog so I really have to think about it.

Hedgehog. . . football. . . hedgehog. . . football. . .

Jun. 21st, 2009

I don't understand how the guy from Man v. Food isn't 850 pounds? That show makes me never want to eat. Never again will I eat.

This weekend was pretty great. Everything in general is just getting better and better :] Everything has been falling into place and I can see it in him. He's happier, and I think he realized he deserved better. I'm giving this my all. He makes me so happy it's ridiculous. Ridiculous I say!
Plus, I stopped being a raging alcoholic so that means I haven't said anything-that's-fucking-ridiculous-and-leads-me-to-rip-him-10-new-assholes-for-no-reason. Fuck being drunk. It's pointless and messy. Just like burritos.

Being drunk is like eating a burrito.

Say Hi when you come home.

. . . I just have this gut feeling that she can't be good news. I was reading Cosmo and it said something along the lines of ". . . if you're gut is telling you something, you should more than likely go with it." It confuses me how it doesn't blatantly state to just "go for it". It kind of leaves it up to you, or the situation. But I believe everything Cosmo says, so I want to go with my gut. Really bad. I love beards more than guts.

I think it just has to do with the fact that I am so insecure about my appearance. It's no fucking pity party, so stop it. I have never really had a problem with myself but recently I'm starting to notice a change. You know how when you're in the 5th grade and you're the only one out of all of your friends that HAS to wear a bra?? Yea, it feels like that.

It feels like my tits are exposed, out and about.

Everyone around me has already grown out of being "20" and is starting to dress like one; an adult that has to dress nice to go to work everyday. . .two; a slut. . . or three; a girl. I for one still dress like a 10 year old boy, and I think it's starting to get to me. I tried wearing a dress on Friday and I felt like such a slut. . . such a naked, sucia, tits exposed, sluh-ta. I want to look like a girl. I feel like Joey tells himself, "Damn this 10 yr. old looking boy I have to have sex with. . . " (I'm sure he doesn't think that) hahaha. I just feel like shit around girls now. I mean, I know I'm good for laughs, I say dirty things at the most appropriate time, and I have nice hair, but I still feel like shit next to any girl.
As long as Joey thinks I'm pretty, that should be enough for me. Right?
I am such a faghag.

I want to buy that Buzz Lightyear iron on but it's $7, and I am a penny pincher. Penny pincher to the M-A-X.

I was filling out a survey today on myspace, had been working on it for the past hour and a half. That whole 'new myspace messenger" was on my screen so it was distracting. When I pushed the button to post it it just went blank. It was all gone. Fuck you Tom, for deep throating my 2-hr-long-survey.

Speaking of deep throating, I have yet to check out gag factor. Joey won't watch porn with me. I think he thinks that it's weird that I don't mind watching porn with him. He's so great :] with or without porn.

In 2 days.

Something is up. . . . something HAS to be up. . .

and I am so scared of finding out the truth.
Who am I kidding, Joey loves me. I just get into these ruts at times where I feel no one loves me even though I clearly know better.

I hate periods. I hate hormones. I hate the idea of having to give birth. I HATE estrogen. Being a 'girl' is the worst thing that could ever happen to a person.

On a brighter note, Joey and I will taking a mini road trip this weekend to San Diego. EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeEeEeEEeEEeeeeeEEEeeEEEeEEEeeeeeEEe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's fun, right.

I have had the most insane headache for the past two days. Hopefully it doesn't go back to how it was in November, but it sure feels like it is headed in that direction.

It would have been a year this upcoming April. It's been far too long already. I stopped hoping two weeks ago. I stopped trying 4 days ago. There's no point in it, he's just in it for the sex.

A lot of things continue to amuse me.

Excuse me

I'm going to start saving up money right now so that by the time I'm 40 I can get a breast lift and vaginal rejuvination. Yup. I'm going straight to Dr. Rey from Dr. 90210 and tell him to tighten me uuuuup. In the meantime I am going to sew my knees shut and avoid popping anything out for as long as possible. Ugh.

So Kris Roe played on Tuesday down at the lounge, it was nice =] You would expect that someone like him to have at least enough money to get a really nice car. . . and a nice toupee, but nope. . .I wonder what he spent it on? I'm assuming he's investing.
He was already on his last song when Eddie got there. =D <--- Do you see that? That is the biggest smile eeeeeeeeeever. I was standing the entire time he was playing but by the last song my feet started hurting so I went to the back to sit down. I looked by the window and eddie was just standing there singing along. My heart went Arghsjcdhjbdhhfgfhjsj!!. So I just stood next to him for another 3 songs kris played and the entire time I just wanted to hug him so so so bad. Tell him I adore him. That I love his hair. . . his glasses. . .and his eyes, and eeeeeeeverything else >.<
He would talk and I would just stare at him jesus christ he's adorable. . .

We went to Chico's afterwards to stalk kris roe and I would be eating my fries and talking and he would just stare at me too. I don't know why he's doing this. . . he needs to get on it already. He took me home. Played with pugsley for a while. You know what the best part was though? As I was standing next to him at the lounge and we were singing along to kris roe I looked at my phone and the time was 11:11. I showed him and he smiled. Of course. . . you know what I wished for =]
I don't understand how it got to this. . . ?
I'm starting to believe he was unhappy with 'us' for a while and he used this as something to finish it. I don't believe he's giving me another chance despite begging. I have done all I can do, said everything I can say, spilled my heart to him, and he isn't responding. . . what's going on?
I'm stuck.
This doesn't make sense.
I don't see how it could change so drastically from one day to the other. End it, just like that?

Despite all of this, I want him to be happy. Whether it is with or without me, and apparently it's 'without me'. It will hurt like hell for a long while but at one point, I will be ok. I need girl advice?

Aside from hearing rumors that he's already seeing other girls. . . he called last night, drunk. He only calls when he's drunk. Tells me he loves me, that he wants to be with me but is afraid that I will hurt him again. He called me "Victoria", twice. It felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I didn't know what to say, he won't recall it tomorrow though though, he was drunk remember? I can't wait till the next time he gets drunk that way he'll call me, at least I get to hear that he's ok.
I love him. More than I ever expected and it completely caught me off guard.

And now that it's gone, I want it more than ever.


I fuck up. . . really bad. constantly.

She's stuck.

I'm almost 21 years old and and still fucking around with issues back from when I was 12. Seriously, does this not prove to you enough that there is absolutely no fixing me. I'm sorry I had to drag you through this. It's better this way, believe me.

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